I believe it took only one day to happen it seems. Yesterday when I looked in the mirror I saw a familiar face. Today, there’s only a shadow of me. The physical changes that have surfaced in one day are astounding. Hours of accelerated, on-going angst, caused by living in urban America has robbed my soul of optimism and my skin it’s elasticity. The gray hairs atop my head are multiplying –in protest and my knees make strange noises each time they are forced to climb up or down the subway stairs.
Oh yes, these are all the signs of aging I have heard about and witnessed in my older relatives. Suddenly, I am now one of them, a card carrying member of the older girls association. How do I handle this and keep my sanity, if I'm not really feeling like one of THEM?? And, despite these aches and pains that have suddenly become a part of my every now and then life, I can still do an impressive dance or salsa routine.
Of course all of this did not happen in a day. I can’t even remember when it started. What I do remember is standing in front of the mirror and gasping as I [really] looked at my face. I had set about applying my make-up to accentuate all my assets and noticed a few lines here and there. Swallowing hard, I prayed for acceptance and smiled as I witnessed through new accepting eyes the me that was still very lovely.
Though my mirror has been really cruel, I have triumphed. With this new attitude I continue to wear all that I chose, in defiance of my [own] perceptions of age and beauty. I "sport" the brightest red lipstick and all that I desire to adorn "the warrior" in me.
Two years ago when I traded my "island home" for what we know as the "real world" [New York City], I never understood the toll it would take. This real world has called a halt to my once uncomplicated, easy, bordering on boring life. And, I think I really do miss it. This is definitely not an even trade. The exercises and fun I once had outdoors, have been severely tempered, by the fear of “being out in the cold.”
This is not the best place for any “child of the sun,” to grow old. And so as i plan my next line of action to literally "save my soul" I reflect on what I will miss back here. There are several things: summer time, spring, freedom to associate and to just "be" at times.
My light, at the end of the tunnel is now within my line-of-sight. My main mission - the re-orientation of my daughter to this culture, has been accomplished. It's time to let her go and find my own wings in the sun.
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